My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
