where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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