just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
