I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
