phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
