i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
