I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
