we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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