I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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