Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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