so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
