guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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