I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
