What did we do last night that was yellow?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
