when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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