I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
