Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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