Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
