Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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