i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
