You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
