I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
