I wish I only lived at night.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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