i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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