I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
