I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
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