i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
