I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
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