bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
