Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
