someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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