i permit you to call me
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
