Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
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