Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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