Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
