I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
