watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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