I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I checked into jail on foursquare
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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