We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
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found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
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She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
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