I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
