1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
