Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
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