Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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