you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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