I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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