Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
