So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
