I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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