I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize