Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
