the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
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You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
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I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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