So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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