pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
