just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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