The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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