The maid of honor just puked.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
