After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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