you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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