you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
