i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
