Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
someone threw a dead crab at me
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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